Sea turtles can live for more than 150 years. Ninja turtles? God help us. With any luck, whatever steroids they're taking to make them look freakishly pumped-up (like giant cucumbers dressed as extras from Mad Max: Fury Road) will shave a few years off their lifespan. Anything to save us from more ear-splittingly relentless, unmistakably cheap-looking movies like this.
TMNT: Out of the Shadows is the second film in the rebooted franchise about the heroes in a half shell. This time around the turtles are sneaking out of their secret sewer to take on arch nemesis Shredder (Brian Tee), who has broken out of prison to take down the planet in an insulting-even-to-kids plot that involves DNA, black holes, wormholes to another dimension and blob villain Krang.
Forget cowabunga, this is cowadunga. Still, the Oscar for Most Shamefully Contrived Scene goes to the scriptwriters for managing to get franchise eye-candy Megan Fox into a sexy schoolgirl outfit, which, any shorter, would land the film with an R rating.